We refuse to suffer in silence

It's time to tell you why I haven't been around...

By now we should have a six month old, maybe a nine month, or if we were extremely lucky, a one year old, but we don't.  Rather, we've learned, as many of you have learned with various life events, that things hardly ever go according to plan. Instead we have heart ache, from disappointment month after month. We are left questioning- Why us? When will it be our turn? And we are spending our days stressing out about our finances because we happen to live in a state where fertility coverage is not mandatory.  {Fact: Fifteen states have passed laws requiring that insurance policies cover some level of infertility treatment: Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Hawaii, Illinois, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Montana, New Jersey, New York, Ohio, Rhode Island, Texas and West Virginia. (For more on this visit the insurance coverage section of resolve.org.}

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1 in 8 couples suffer from infertility and we are part of that statistic. Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive after one year of unprotected intercourse (six months if the woman is over age 35) or the inability to carry a pregnancy to live birth. 

It has been 1 year and 10 calendar months since we started trying.  My monthly cycles are shorter than the typical months so we have in fact had more cycles than months in the year, so we are just about at the 2 year mark in terms of cycles.  In that time we've watched friends, who started much later than us, become successful at achieving pregnancy and have their babies. Words cannot even begin to describe, or explain, the deep pain and sadness that comes with this.  You see so many people around you so easily, and quickly become pregnant.  It may take some of them a couple of months, maybe even 6 months, but beyond that I don't know too many people who have gone past that time-frame.  And those who have, were eventually able to become pregnant on their own.  We are not one of those couples. We are still wanting, and wishing and hoping and waiting for a baby of our own. 

There are so many people suffering silently with infertility because not only is it a private matter, what happens in the bedroom, and when you decide to start a family but then comes the layer of shame. You feel like a failure because your body isn't doing what it is "supposed" to do. It is because of these people that I am speaking out today.  I want to share our story on my blog because despite the fact that our family members know our story, and our closest friends know our story, there are still many couples out there suffering in silence and are left feeling alone. I am here to tell you that you are not alone in this.

 

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After reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility nearly three years ago thanks to my friend Mo who recommended it. I started charting my cycle and taking my temperature every single morning. After learning about my cycle I started using ovulation prediction kits and spent so much money on pregnancy tests that mocked us month after month.  Then we realized we've tried it all... Since last May we've been tested, poked with needles, and have had numerous doctor appointments to discuss things you would never imagine talking about with another person besides your spouse.  The idea of conceiving a child during a romp in the sheets became a distant fantasy as we were now facing the reality that our child may be conceived in a petri dish.... The idea of this hurt like nothing I've ever felt before.  I haven't cried much throughout this frustrating and painful time but every now and again something will happen and I'll find myself sobbing uncontrollably.  It's just not fair and there is no explanation of why this is happening to us.  We are good people... what did we do to deserve this?

Since my diagnosis {which I'll post about tomorrow} I ran my last race and put my running shoes in the closet.  I was determined to do anything to get us the family we so desired. Our Reproductive Endocrinologist wanted me to gain 5-10 pounds and with the running I was doing it was not going to happen.  It broke my heart and I cried over the loss of something that gave me such joy, relieved immense stress and reminded me that my body wasn't a complete failure.  But, I'm an all or nothing kind of girl.  I knew I would have a hard time cutting back on my distance or the amount of times I ran because I was literally addicted to it.  When you want something so badly you're willing to do just about anything to get it.

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As you can imagine it has been so hard to concentrate on anything besides this new way of life.  It literally consumes your thoughts and your body leaving you exhausted which means that things you used to enjoy doing {keeping up your blog, learning new photo tricks and trying them out, reading, hanging out with friends, going out and having fun} come to a halt. It's so much easier staying home and not having to explain to someone that you didn't hear what they said because you were just thinking about what the result of your latest test might be.

We've shelled out thousands of dollars for medications and procedures since November.  I've been injected with hormones, become cranky and emotional, not to mention hugely bloated.  We've cried and hoped and received many well wishes and positive thoughts from some incredibly supportive people. I'm not a private person by nature so certain people in our lives have known along the way that we've been struggling to conceive.  I am so glad to have shared this news because the questions of "when will you have a baby?" have stopped and instead we're given hugs, cards, meals, and positive energy. We are still hoping one of the procedures will bring us our baby.

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If you are at the beginning of your journey to have a child and you feel like things are taking a little bit longer than they should here are some tips for you:

1. Take some time to learn about your body. Read Taking Charge of Your Fertility.  That book has been amazing and I am so thankful to my friend Mo who shared the title with me because I've learned so much from it. It remains on my night stand and has been underlined, highlighted and pages folded over.
2. Find out about your insurance coverage because you'll have to make financial decisions that you never imagined.
3. Ask your OB/GYN for a recommendation to a Reproductive Endocrinologist {RE for short}.  You need to find a doctor who specializes in fertility.  It is scary to leave a Dr. that you know and feel comfortable with but your OB/GYN can only do so much for you.  You need to find an RE that you feel comfortable with, someone that has a lot of knowledge and you can trust because they'll be doing lots of testing and will eventually be doing your treatments.
4. Get online. There are so many amazing online forums/communities to join. It's time to get connected to women who are going through the same exact thing as you.  As much as you want to talk with your BFF, if they haven't experienced infertility it just won't be the kind of conversation you need.  It has been an amazing source of support and a great reminder that we are not alone. It has been a life saver for me because I don't know anyone in my real life that has gone this long and has actually had to go through treatments to have the family they've always dreamed of.
5. Do things to treat yourself: buy that cute top if you want to, get your favorite dessert, go get a pedi, watch your favorite movie for the hundredth time.  Know that it is ok to say no and take care of yourself.
6. Remember that you are NOT alone!

If you are reading this post and know someone who is going through infertility, whether it be primary (trying for their first) or secondary (trying for another child) there are few things you can do to help them through this:

1. Listen.  Just listen.  It is hard for us to open up about this, especially if you are currently pregnant or already have children. Don't worry about trying to fill the space or say something genius.  Just listen, tell us your sorry, that you'll keep us in your thoughts and give us a hug.
2. Send them notes, texts or emails saying Hi, thinking of you.  Don't always expect a long response but know how deeply grateful we are for this because it becomes hard to reach out to the people we love most.
3. Don't judge their choices.  Whatever they decide to do, and until you've walked in their shoes and have to make decisions that they are making, don't judge what they decide because not everyone going through infertility is going to choose the same path. Just like treating Cancer- everyone's treatment is different. There are many options for Infertility and no one option is the right one for everyone.  It depends on age, diagnosis, what you're comfortable and ready for... each of us had to do what is right for us.
4. Be careful when giving what you feel is good advice.  We know you don't mean any harm, and appreciate the fact that you're trying, but it is more aggravating to hear and deal with than it is helpful.  Things such as:

• "Just Adopt"- this isn't for everyone
• "Just Relax" or "Stop stressing"- there is no medical evidence to prove that stress causes infertility
• "It will happen- don't worry!"- Too late, we are worrying
• "You're young, you have plenty of time!" -We don't want plenty of time, we just want a family
• "Go get drunk! -Been there, done that, still no baby..."
• Infertility is a medical condition, not something we've made up.

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If you've gotten this far, thank you so much for reading what has taken me so long to share with you.  It means more to me than you'll know!