I'd always imagined this great joyus cry when I had my long awaited baby. I mean, I cried my eyes out watching Baby Story on TLC or a lame commercial, so I had to cry big crocodile tears for my baby, right? Well, I didn't. Not at first. When he came out and they plopped him on my belly all slimy and fully baked I couldn't believe my eyes. Here he was in the flesh. It wasn't a dream, it was real life. I was over joyed! After a few moments of holding and touching him and some hugs and kisses with Jarod they took him over to the warmer.. Finally, Carter let out a big cry and tears pricked my eyes but didn't flow.
It wasn't until a few days after we were home and we spent our first night in our bedroom as a family. We cuddled up in bed with our baby in between us and I just cried. I couldn't believe it. I finally had the family I've always wanted. It finally hit me.
Another moment was when Jarod had left to run an errand or something and it was just Carter and me. We were sitting in the recliner and I had him on my lap facing me, cradling his head in my hands, I sang to him. Some made up words to a random tune. The tears started flowing then.
Just the other day I was driving to mom's group and Carter was not pleased, screaming in the back... he was actually super tired and was fighting it. I put in the Adele CD, one I'd listened to quite often during pregnancy and he settled down. I sang the songs with my best effort and glanced in the rear view mirror and looked at my sweet sleeping baby. I started crying. It is amazing the way a song or a smell can take you back to a moment in time. Well, these songs took me back to the weeks leading up to our IVF. I would listen to it all the time in my car. All. The. Time. The mood of the album fit my mood perfectly and some of the words spoke to me and our situation. Hearing them again, almost a year later, took my breath away. I can still remember driving the early, dark, cold mornings to the clinic to get blood work or ultrasounds done. I remember the emotions of it all and to be on the other side of it all was just overwhelming. Here I was, a mom, on my way to mom's group, with my baby. Completely overwhelming.
The emotional moments come when you least expect them. I felt guilty for awhile about the fact that I didn't sob when they put Carter on my chest, but everyone has a different way of handling big life events and well, mine was just a bit different than what you see on TV or in the movies.